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Notable Experience
Mr. Mandolini is the managing partner of Anonymous Law Firm's Criminal division. He has represented many prominent "legitimate businessmen" in various matters including unionized trash collection, child labor, toxic torts, accidental discharge of firearms, internet chatroom matters and a PETA matter involving a horse's head. Mr. Mandolini has also earned the coveted "World's Top Criminal Defense Attorney Award" from Devil’s Advocate Quarterly for five consecutive years.
Hobbies/Interests
In his own words, "I feel that it is important to achieve a sense of balance in life. Accordingly, I have developed many hobbies that I can enjoy in the privacy of my office, including fine wine and cigars, coffee, cigarettes, scotch, prescription amphetamines and young Asian she-male prostitutes."
Family
"There was that girl that I dated for six weeks in law school. I am also very fortunate to have many casual business acquaintances who begrudgingly tolerate me. Additionally, I nod at the fat guy who opens the door for me at the office every morning as if to say 'hi,' and tip the valet parking guy with the harelip and mullet an extra 5 dollars every Christmas. I have also developed quite a relationship with my pharmacist. Every time I see him he says, 'Hey, dead man walking, back for more?'"
Best Experience at the Firm
"After working as a prison guard for five years I went to law school and then directly to Anonymous Law Firm. It just felt like home. When I started out in this field, the stress, fast pace, 16-hour days and complete lack of contact with anyone who was capable of human emotions was very difficult. However, after my third heart attack, when I was pronounced clinically dead for ten minutes, a part of me stayed dead. Thereafter, this profession all made sense when I realized that life, in fact, has no meaning. In my next case, I was able to get four nun-beaters off on a technicality. It was my proudest moment."
Worst Experience at the Firm
"After working on trial preparation for 143.7 consecutive billable hours, I was found by three first year associates at 5 AM. in the firm’s parking garage lying naked in the fetal position and covered in my own excrement. The associates administered CPR, revived me and then cleaned me off in the waterfall in the firm’s lobby. Unfortunately, the security department informed me that before they came into contact with any other firm personnel, all three associates committed suicide that morning by self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the back. I can't seem to remember their names but they were terribly missed for the better part of the day."
Advice to Law Students
"Make sure that you network and develop marketing skills. If you bring enough money into the firm, they will dispose of a body for you if you ask them to do so. This is actually more important than it appears because there is no statute of limitations for murder."
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