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Notable Experience
Mr. Cooke graduated from Harvard Law School, where he edited and originated seven unique cites for The Bluebook: A Uniform System of Citation, Eighteenth Ed., (2003). As a second year associate in our New York office, Mr. Ross Cooke billed a whopping 3600 hours and became the first associate ever to appear in court when he filed a Federal trademark infringement lawsuit against the island of Java for using our client Sun’s Java trademark.
In responding to an oral argument made by opposing counsel from a less prestigious New York firm whining that “the island has been called Java for nearly three centuries”, Mr. Cooke eloquently persuaded the Judge when he stated the obvious: [read from court documents] [Mr. Cooke:] "And your honor, and in all that time they never filed for a trademark. They were asking for it." After shutting down seven coffee bean factories, three airport Starbucks and the entire judicial and legislative branches of the Island government with 30(b)(6) depositions of the “person(s) most knowledgeable about ‘Java,’” a settlement was reached when the island agreed to change its name. Mr. Cooke is currently working on behalf of Sun on another trademark claim.
Currently he is attempting to perfect service of process on the registered agents of the huge fiery ball at the center of the solar system. He also had the third highest LSAT score of any Harvard summer associate with blond hair in the New York office.
Mr. Cooke also successfully billed seven hundred hours defending the Nationwide Insurance Company against a property damage claim for $800.00 for damage to a 1985 Ford Escort under a theory that the branch from the tree that allegedly caused the damage fell from strong winds and therefore was “an act of god” which is excluded under the policy. After four years of litigation, the case eventually settled for $400.00 on the third day of trial. The day of the settlement, he filed a class action subrogation claim against the Catholic Church for all Nationwide Insurance Company’s “acts of god” losses.
Hobbies/Interests
Armani, passing out the firm’s glossy business cards to peers with less flashy cards; looking at them with discontent because we both know that not only are my business cards glossier that theirs, but I make more money then they do; hair gel; drinking Red Bull; laughing to myself later about how awesome it was to see the faces of those other lawyers when they saw how much better the layout and font of my business cards are than theirs; wearing brand name striped button-down shirts on casual Sundays even though no one leaves their offices; knowing that I can date models because I am a lawyer; staring at the gold plate in front of my slightly undersized office with no window that says Ross J. Cook, Esquire; knowing that my student loans will be paid off in less than three years.
Family
Anonymous Law Firm is all the family I need. I suppose, technically, I have two parents, but I deny knowing them out of fear of ridicule (they are both partners of a less prestigious law firm).
Best Experience at the Firm
"Less then three days after 'the island formerly known as Java' legally changed its name to Visu Al Basic, I enacted an identical lawsuit for another client using the exact same pleadings. Although it only took seconds to change the names of the plaintiffs, I billed them for two hundred and eighty-seven hours. Hey, Bill Gates can afford it, right? When their non-Ivy League lawyers filed a motion to dismiss claiming 'abuse of process,' alleging that I 'simply used the 'find and replace' feature to file a nearly identical frivolous lawsuit,' I amended the complaint to include six counts against their medium-sized law firm and them personally for using the trademark 'find and replace.' Three days later they settled. After the case settled, I still pursued the case against the inferior. Finally the founding partner of that law firm asked me to voluntarily dismiss the claim. I was talking to real live partner and he was practically begging. It was so awesome!"
Worst Experience at the Firm
"When I was in the bathroom in a courtroom in Texas I was in the bathroom with a few of the would-be jurors on a major pharmaceutical case. To prove to the jurors that Vioxx is completely safe, I took a few of those free samples that Merck’s in-house counsel passed out to our litigation team for 'stress.' Big mistake. Three days later when I regained consciousness I found out that my BlackBerry totally interferes with the life support systems. Even though I almost didn't make it after demanding that life support be shut down as to not interfere with my productivity, it wasn't all that bad. I billed the entire time I was in the hospital as 'product defect investigation' and Merck's oversight department didn't think twice about paying it. Suckers! Plus, the doctors say that I am starting to regain the use of my left arm."
Advice to Law Students
I want to share a joke with you that an associate once told me. One day while walking down the street a highly successful partner in a law firm was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a law firm partner make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind. I prefer to stay in Heaven," replied the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules." And with that, St. Peter put the law partner in an elevator which slowly descended to the depths of Hell.
When the doors opened, much to her surprise, the woman found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her old friends - including lawyers that she had worked with who had passed away - and they were all dressed in tuxedoes and evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and greeted her warmly, and they talked about old times.
After an excellent round of golf, and at night they went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, her day was over and it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator back up to Heaven. The elevator slowly rose, and eventually opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. It was very soothing and peaceful, and she had a great time. Before she knew it, her 24 hours were up.
St. Peter came and got her and said, "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
St. Peter escorted the woman back to the elevator and again she descended to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in filth. Her friends were burning in towers of flame, as demons prodded them with pitchforks. The Devil came up to her and welcomed her back.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of filth, and all my old friends are miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're an associate."
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