Anonymous Law Firm LLP: Recruiting FAQ

Recruiting FAQ

1. What should I bring to my interview?

It is always a good idea to bring copies of your resume and transcript. While we receive these in advance, we don’t always read them. Plus, sometimes the resume and transcript get paired up to the wrong candidate, and we get confused. It’s uncomfortable to have to backtrack after we’ve asked a male student what it’s like to be a single mother in law school, based on having the wrong resume in front of us. You should also carry a black portfolio, even though you don’t really need it. Everyone else has one, so you will look out of place without it. Don’t bring us gifts. People have tried, but there’s nothing we need that you can ever give us.

2. Are resumes welcome from students attending law schools other than those law schools where on-campus interviews are held?

Didn’t you read the Hiring Process page? You’re wasting my time if you’re going to ask questions that can be answered elsewhere on the site. Of course, if you go to a law school other than those where on-campus interviews are held, I suppose I can’t expect you to be smart enough to read.

3. No, no, I go to a good school. I was just asking to make sure.

Fine. I’ll let it pass this time, and just repeat what it says over there. “While we do accept resumes from students at more poorly-regarded schools, it is unlikely those students will receive serious consideration.” I’m sorry. There are other firms out there. Try them.

4. Thanks. Okay, next question. And this one shows I’ve been reading the site. On the Hiring Process page, you indicate that you’re looking for students with exceptional records of achievement, a variety of backgrounds and talents, and a limited number of interests. What does that mean, in concrete terms?

Good grades, law review membership, and nothing weird on the resume. No juggling, or “professional magician,” or “I write slam poetry” or “I enjoy working out.” There’s no time for that when you’re a big firm associate.

5. How long will my interview last?

Why? You have another appointment? Something more important than this? Initial interviews are usually scheduled on-campus in twenty or thirty minute slots. Second-round interviews last half a day, with half-hour meetings with four or five partners and associates.

6. Am I required to go to lunch on a call-back interview?

Only if you want an offer. Why would you say no if we invite you to lunch? What are you hiding? Do you hold your fork wrong? Do you chew with your mouth open? These are important things. If we ask you if you want to do something, you say yes, whether it’s something as simple as lunch, or as complex as carrying a sterile partner’s unborn child to term.

7. What expenses will the firm reimburse?

So it’s all about the money? You should feel fortunate we’re even inviting you for a call-back interview. We’ll pay for your travel, hotel, meal expenses, and up to one prostitute while you’re here. Don’t press us on this one. One prostitute. Not three. We won’t process the receipt. I’m sorry.

8. If I am calling to accept or decline my offer, or to ask further questions, whom do I contact?

If you’re calling to accept, call anyone. We’ll all be glad to hear from you. If you’re calling to turn us down, go screw yourself. Send us an e-mail. No one wants to hear your voice. You’re just wasting our time. If you have further questions, you haven’t been reading the materials carefully enough. Come on, there are twenty-five questions answered on this page alone. If there’s something else, it’s not important, you’re thinking too hard.

9. As a summer associate, is there someone I can talk to about problems?

Yeah, your parents, your friends, and your plants. You mean a mentor? We don’t do that. Lawyers work alone. It’s a solitary profession. Needing a crutch is a sign of weakness. You have to walk on your own. You have a problem? Deal with it.

10. That sounds harsh. I asked a similar question when I interviewed and you said the firm provides all summer associates with a mentor. What happened?

We lied. We do that sometimes. It helps us get people to work for us. You’ll get used to it.

11. Apart from assignments, how do summer associates learn about the firm and its practice groups?

What does this question even mean? Which law firm website did you steal it from? This is a stupid question. You learn about the firm and its practice groups by being in the office and noticing what’s going on around you. And from your assignments. That’s the whole point of the assignments. Why would you ask how else you learn about the practice groups apart from through your assignments? It’s like asking how you eat besides when you put food in your mouth. You don’t. It’s a stupid question. Okay, okay, there’s sort of an answer, I guess. We have some departmental presentations, but they’re boring. Also a filmstrip about the history of the firm and a retreat to Guantanamo where we’ll really show you what we’re all about. You’ll enjoy it. It’s a blast.

12. What resources are available to summer associates?

$2786 a week. Isn’t that enough? You get a secretary, some paralegals you’re free to enslave, copy machine privileges, Lexis, Westlaw, all the paper clips you need, a computer, an office, some books, a word processing staff, the library, free coffee, a no-fee ATM in the lobby, a box of file folders, an emergency kit in case of an earthquake (Los Angeles office only – other offices substitute their own emergency kits as appropriate to their locations), meals if you’re here late… what more do you want?

13. How will I obtain work?

We’ll find you. Don’t worry.

14. Will I be able to choose projects?

Nope.

15. What if I already know which practice area I want to join?

Oh well. Maybe it’ll work out, maybe it won’t. This isn’t summer camp. You’re not choosing which arts and crafts project you want to do. We have clients who need certain things done. If we have a big bankruptcy case and need everyone to do bankruptcy work, you’ll do bankruptcy work. It’s not like there’s any difference between document review for bankruptcy and document review for real estate. So what do you even care?

16. How long is the summer program?

As long as we make it. You’re not leaving until we let you. We’ll update you more on a need-to-know basis.

17. What about splitting my summer between Anonymous Law Firm and another firm?

Come on. Why would we let you do that? Why would we let you see what it’s like somewhere else? You want to work somewhere else, go work somewhere else, but don’t think you’re going to get to come back here. You know there’s no difference anyway. We’re all the same. The grass isn’t any greener on the other side. It’s brown. Everywhere. Brown and patchy. It doesn’t get any better. You’re not worth any better. You’re nothing. You’re garbage. You’re lucky we even want you. Be thankful.

18. What kind of feedback will I receive?

Attorneys will talk about you behind your back. Occasionally you will overhear them. We will also place some cryptic documents in the online system concerning your competence. You may be able to find them if you’re good with the search function. You won’t understand what they mean but you’ll be worried. That’s the point. At the end of the summer we will tell you about all of your weaknesses but we will give you an offer anyway. We’ll make you feel like it was a tough decision, and you were close to not receiving an offer. You weren’t. Everyone gets an offer. We have to. Otherwise you tell all of your classmates and no one comes to work for us next summer. We know. We accept it. It’s part of the process.

19. Will I make a real contribution during the summer associate program or just perform “busy work”?

What do you think? Do you really think you can be trusted to do critical work? We don’t even know you! You don’t learn anything in law school to help you do real work. All you learn is theory. Theory doesn’t help the client fire its employees without paying them severance. Theory doesn’t help the client continue to dump toxic waste in the drinking water. You have to learn these things. And the way you learn them is by sorting paper into boxes. We know what we’re doing.

20. Will I have an opportunity to provide input about the summer program?

Okay, whatever firm’s web site you stole this question from should be ashamed of themselves. No, you don’t get to provide input about the summer program, or about anything else. This isn’t a democracy. It’s a dictatorship. Work for us for thirty years and then maybe we’ll listen to what you have to say.

21. What will I do outside of work?

Obviously this question only applies to summer associates, because full-time associates don’t get an “outside of work” to do things in. But as a summer associate, you’ll get to do plenty of things outside of work. We have lots of events. Dinners, shows, beach parties, sporting events, barbecues, public sacrifices, wine tastings, team-building ropes courses, laser tag, an improv comedy workshop, an after-hours litigation exercise, and so much more. You’ll be exhausted. But you’ll have made friends. Or enemies. Either way, you’ll get to know your fellow summer associates, the only people you’ll see for the next twenty years, or until you quit.

22. Are there opportunities to interact and socialize with summer associates from the other Anonymous Law Firm offices?

Yes, via our corporate intranet and the online messaging system.

23. As a first year associate, will I be able to have client contact?

Probably not. Even as a fifth-year associate, you’re not going to have client contact. Don’t get greedy.

24. What is your firm's dress policy?

The firm has adopted a “business appropriate” attire policy. That means we don’t have a clue. Men can wear blue shirts or white shirts, and dark pants. No bright colors. They hurt the eyes of the older partners who haven’t seen the sun for years. Women can wear anything they can convince us is business attire. I don’t have a clue. There’s a memo floating around somewhere on the system. No open-toed shoes. Keep a suit in the office. Keep a toothbrush in the office too. And a razor. Women too. You don’t know how long you might be in the office without getting a chance to go home. Days, weeks, years.

25. Does your law firm have a written anti-discrimination policy?

Nope. We just sort of wing it.